Asshole's Truths

...on relationships

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 01:28:16 -0500

I will sacrifice your love for the love of millions.

...on sobriety

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 00:36:26 -0500

I underestimated how hard it’d be to go on out dates and not get plastered. People are really fucking uninteresting.

"Show me a beautiful woman, I’ll show you a man who’s tired of fucking her."

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 20:15:26 -0500

“Show me a beautiful woman, I’ll show you a man who’s tired of fucking her.”

- Clea Lewis (Perfect Stranger)

"She said “I never want to make you mad. I just want to make you proud”. I said..."

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 10:50:46 -0500

“She said “I never want to make you mad. I just want to make you proud”. I said “Baby just make me cum. Then don’t make a sound””

- Lil Wayne

...on fracturing

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 05:57:06 -0500

Taking the high road is excruciating.

...on me

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 12:30:34 -0600

I just applied to be a sperm bank donor. You and the world deserve more of me. You’re welcome.

...on you

Fri, 01 Mar 2013 21:15:46 -0600

Ladies, the way to my heart isn’t my stomach, but it is about one and a half inches away from your asshole.

...on relations

Sun, 03 Feb 2013 16:57:22 -0600

Hunt it. Catch it. Eat it. The harder the hunt, the more satisfying the taste. The more often tasted, the more easily sickened of. The more sickened, the higher chance a new hunt starts.

...on MKE

Wed, 02 Jan 2013 01:40:26 -0600

Every time I come back there seems to be less real people and more people pretending. The men all have mustaches and the women have all become hipster cum dumpsters. I have never been so proud to not fit in.

...on libations

Fri, 07 Dec 2012 02:47:38 -0600

In my experience, squirters tend to be developmentally stunted. Please, own this, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Though a heads up is preferred. If I think you peed on me I am liable to lose shit.

...on masses

Sat, 24 Nov 2012 01:15:02 -0600

Girls have told me they get wet hearing my deep voice. I assume my postings on this site do the same.

...on feelings

Tue, 02 Oct 2012 14:41:59 -0500

You can gauge how attractive you are to me by my insistence, or lack thereof, in wearing a condom.

"What took you so long? Do I have to ask to smell your fingers?"

Sun, 23 Sep 2012 01:28:22 -0500

“What took you so long? Do I have to ask to smell your fingers?”

- My boss, motioning to lady

...on debauching

Thu, 20 Sep 2012 19:44:01 -0500

I sometimes lie about being drunk to better explain my irrational behavior.

...on creation

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 23:26:04 -0500

I tried my best to act excited that my friend/neighbor was pregnant with her first born while all I could feel was anger that she was allowed to have a kid in our apartment complex while I wasn’t allowed to have a dog.

Time to move.

...on feebleness

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 02:07:53 -0500

Snuffing out the weak and unwilling as soon as possible can only help. You don’t want to be scrambling to find a replacement when the feeble fail at 1AM.

...on dispersion

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 13:58:21 -0500

Your religion and how long you have not had a drink for are two things I would likely discredit you for.

...on inspiration

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 02:55:00 -0500

Pep talks only go so far and you only get one. After that it’s just “I told you so”.

“One necessary evil leads to another until, one day, you...

Fri, 25 May 2012 02:34:56 -0500

“One necessary evil leads to another until, one day, you can’t differentiate between what’s necessary and what’s merely expedient. And when that happens, you’re done. You’re a monster.” - Kelsey Grammer (BOSS)

...on coitus

Sat, 28 Apr 2012 04:44:42 -0500

In my experience, the best sex is followed shortly thereafter with a high five.